Security

My heart aches tonight for all the sweet, precious girls that I've met in the last two weeks who are completely throwing themselves away on what is not worth anything... searching for security and acceptance... completely confused, insecure, and clutching at the straws of what they think is love.

College is presenting to me challenges that I never really foresaw. I never thought that, just a few days into school, my suitemate would come over to my room, plop herself down on my rug, and proceed to tell me all the drama of her life… this guy and that guy, Billy the “home boyfriend” who she thinks is cheating on her, and Brandon the guy she met at college, who she thinks is cute and who is very much hitting on her and who likes to play with her hair.

I never expected that “Candi,” the girl down the hall who I ate lunch with and had a movie night with and have class with every other day, would have a 25-year old boyfriend who keeps appearing in our hall. I never thought of it that Candi’s roommate would be coming down to my room to hang out, to get out of the way of the couple so they could have the girl’s room to themselves.

The girls are so clueless. They want to be cherished… to be held close and secure, to feel like someone cares, to know that someone thinks they’re beautiful. They want to be worth something.

And, in their quest for that security, they’re throwing away the incredible worth that they have.

On a smaller scale, I can identify. I know the feeling of wanting to be loved, accepted, cherished. Longing to “know and be known.” Needing to be held tight, to belong to someone.

I, too, know what it’s like to look for that in the wrong places. To feed off the attention of this guy and that guy. To base my self-worth and value on the recognition of the males in my life. And, when I didn’t receive that recognition, to feel as if I was worthless and a complete failure.

It was a vicious cycle, and one which, after several years, left me feeling as if guys were all complete jerks. I became bitter. I didn’t trust a single guy on earth, didn’t believe that such a thing as a good, Godly guy actually existed, and definitely didn’t want to ever try to trust a guy again. I was too scared that if I did, my fragile trust would be completely shattered, and I didn’t want to re-live that pain. It hurt too much.

Then, in came certain young men of God. And also, a certain aged man of God. And God worked through them to tear down my walls of cynicism, and teach me that it’s okay to need. It’s okay to want to be cherished by males. It’s okay to be vulnerable, to trust… because sometimes, trusting is vital enough, and having our trust honored is valuable enough, that it’s worth taking the risk of experiencing pain.

I don’t think the girls at college really know what it’s like to be vulnerable. Sure, they have relationships with their guys, they have intimacy; but not vulnerability. They’re seeking their needs to be filled, but not in the context of absolute commitment and trust. They’re too scared to give a guy the power to be the only one in their lives, because if they do, and he fails them, then they have nothing left.

As a daughter of God, I always have something left. I always have everything left that matters. Even if I do commit myself completely to one guy, and he fails me, I will not be alone. I can rest in His arms; I can be cherished, be hold close and secure; I can know that I am treasured, valued with His very life; I can trust that I belong to Him, and always will.

That’s what those girls are missing.